Big Kid

I am convinced that family reunions are a mild form of torture. There is nothing more mind-numbing than sitting under a backyard tent in the middle of July sipping watered-down lemonade and eating burnt hamburgers with people who share your blood line but know very little about your real life. Family reunions are filled with unbearable small talk about the odd weather we’ve been having, the unpleasant details of Grandma’s knee surgery, the news on which cousin just moved out of the house for a third time, and how the Detroit Tigers just can’t seem to catch a break. And there is always that one aunt. You often find yourself questioning if she is even a member of the family or just stumbled into the yard when she saw the sagging balloons dangling from the mailbox. She wanders around the party, giving everyone a smelly bear hug, exclaiming, “Well, my land! Look how big you’ve gotten!” Although I’m never quite sure if she is referring to the few extra pounds I’ve gained in college or if she is alluding to my more mature hairstyle, I can’t deny the fact that time is rapidly passing. Every year I feel more like a “big kid”.

My freshman year of college was one of adjustment. I was on my own for the first time, making new friends and drinking plenty of coffee. Generally, the year was carefree and most of the time I felt like a kid at summer camp. My second year has been remarkably different yet distinctively special. So far, this semester has been one of growth and pain and worry and joy. It has been filled to the brim with both tears and laughter. As I dive deeper into my courses I am getting a clearer picture of who God has made me to be. I am discovering my passions. I am realizing my weaknesses. I am thinking about the future. And the reality is, the future is not so distant anymore. Sometimes its nearness keeps me awake at night, left alone with my anxious thoughts and the clunking air conditioner. Other times it makes me enthusiastic and expectant, ready to see where God will take me.

Upon entering college, I was set on my field of study and convinced that I knew what I wanted to do after graduation. Looking back, the word naïve comes to mind. I was determined not to be one of “those people” who changed their major, but God decided to humble me and show me that, in fact, I don’t have it all together. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I was wrong. And although it terrifies me to take a new direction, I am eager about the possibilities. Passion is stirring inside of me, and it’s waiting to be unleashed. Apparently, my eccentric aunt was right, I am getting bigger. So, no matter how much I want to deny it or how much it rattles my tidy plans, real life is looming on the horizon just waiting to be grasped.  

Good Old-fashioned Heartache

Chalk up another one. My list of failed relationships with the male species is expanding yet again. You know how most people “never make the same mistake twice”? Well, apparently I missed that memo and have become an expert double dipper. I feel like a miserable failure, I hate hurting other people. Although I continue to knock myself out in the dating arena, I have learned one incredibly effective maneuver. I have found the cure for good old-fashioned heartache.

This weekend I took a mini road trip with my three roommates, Noelle, Leah and Lindsey. We made the three and a half hour trek to Wheaton College to watch Lindsey’s brother start during his senior football season. We stood huddled together in our Mickey Mouse ponchos and flowered umbrellas as the typical mid-west weather graced us with its presence. Although I would not classify myself as a football fanatic, it was a great afternoon with the Carmichael family. After the game we trudged our way to a favorite Chicago pizza joint and let our soggy, rolled jeans escape from the rain. The rest of the weekend consisted of relaxing in the hot tub, late night television marathons in our pajamas, church together on Sunday morning and a visit to the local apple orchard. Our car ride was filled with heartfelt discussions about boys, family and how time seems to be speeding up now that we’re in college. In between our serious talks we wailed along with Noelle’s ipod selection of classic pop songs.

You see, there was nothing magical about the weekend, but there is something incredibly healing about spending time with a few of your closest friends. I truly believe that friendship is the cure to heartache. With each floundered relationship I am increasingly grateful for the friends that remain by my side through thick and thin. These girls have seen me in my prime moments and in my worst. They have seen the way my hair sticks up in the morning, they have listened to me whine about my frustrating professors and countless times they have patiently waited for me to apply my eyeliner, even though I am already running five minutes late. Through it all they still love me. They push me, hug me, and call me out on the carpet if needed.

So, you want relationship advice? Don’t ask me. You want friendship advice? I say the more the merrier. Surround yourself with people who know your heart, with people who see past your charade, because true friends bring joy to your life. True friends help you stitch up your heart.

An Ugly Epidemic

Have you ever been in the midst of a conversation with someone who barely had time to look you in the eyes? They asked the standard, hollow questions, as if rehearsed for quickest expulsion. And if that wasn’t bad enough, their gaze was constantly wandering as you answered. You knew that little, if any, of what you said was comprehended. Before long, they flitter off to the next event, leaving you with a case of mild whiplash. You should have saved your breath.

Unfortunately, I have been both the victim and perpetrator of such meaningless conversations. I have many theories for why these interactions are becoming more common. Maybe they are a result of a fast-paced 21st century world. Maybe they occur because most Americans would rather hear their own voice than sincerely listen. Or maybe they exist because most people are completely unaware of the growing problem. But the more I consider this ugly epidemic, the more I believe that it is the result of a “next big thing” syndrome. We are constantly looking to the future, and although this mentality fuels engineering, business and technology, it does very little to build relationships. In fact, I believe that it is not as much an issue of looking to the future, as it is a refusal to live in the present.

I have trouble with that. Truly living in the beauty of today. I would rather daydream about next year, or what my life will be like in ten years, instead of living for today. During the summer I wish that I could be Christmas shopping. In the dead of a mid-west winter, I long to drive with my windows down, the warm spring air brushing my cheeks. Contentment is something that I struggle with almost every day of my life. Just like the person who cannot pause for a meaningful conversation, I find it difficult to stop and enjoy the magic of the here-and-now.

I know that God has given me big dreams and an eager heart for a reason. But I also know that He wants me to slow down. Recently I listened to Bill George, a Harvard professor and an influential businessman. During his talk he said, “Follow your compass, not your clock.” How true that is of me! God has given me desires, but they do not need to be fulfilled right now, I just need to keep moving in the right direction.

So, as I sit in an over-airconditioned Starbucks, sipping a half-melted caramel frapuccino, staring blankly out the window, hoping to find some answers, I can hear His voice.“Be still, Heather, and know that I am God. I have everything under control. Stop worrying about tomorrow. Stop worrying about the next ten years. Stop worrying about the next ten minutes. Enjoy today. Enjoy the relationships I have given you. Enjoy this time in your life. Draw closer to me, and in my time I will give you the desires of your heart. Be still.”

Prince Charming?

As a little girl, I thought that Prince Charming was perfect. He was gentle and strong. He would sweep you into his arms and dance with you until midnight. He protected you by fighting off dragons or evil witches. His kiss brought you back to life. He even found your shoes if you dropped them!

Although my idea of the perfect guy has shifted slightly since these days, the basic elements are still there. I want someone strong and courageous. I want someone who adores me, but also loves other people. I want someone adventurous, someone who drives fast with the windows down. I want someone who puts God first and is a reflection of Him. I want someone with ambition. I want someone who lives life to the fullest and appreciates the little things like a sunset or the way clouds look after it rains. I want someone who sings at the top of their lungs and isn't afraid of what other people think. I want someone who respects their parents. I want someone who challenges me to become a better friend. I want someone who keeps me accountable as I grow with God. I want someone that I can spend the rest of my life loving completely.

I am coming to the end of a fabulous book that Lindsey recommended to me at the beginning of the summer. It's called: When God Writes Your Love Story. I've developed a sort of love-hate relationship with the book because each time I pick it up I am reminded that God truly does have an amazing man saved for me. But I am also thrown into a whirl of frustration because it convicts me of my lack of patience. The book is always reminding me that singleness is a blessing from God because it allows us grow into the people that He wants us to be. Singleness strengthens us because we have to find our identity in God instead of our worth in a relationship. Oh! How I want to be more patient!

Recently, I've been praying for my husband almost every night. It's a strange thing really, because as far as I know, I haven't met him yet. But he's out there. And I wonder what he's doing right now while I sit in my girl-ish world and dream about him? Although it's nice to dream, I want to stay far away from the idea that it takes another person to complete me. God didn't make me a half person, wandering aimlessly in search of Mr. Wonderful! He made me with a specific purpose. I want to be patient and enjoy this time, building deeper relationships with God, my family and my friends, not just waiting for life to begin when I meet Prince Charming. One last thing I've been learning is that I want to be pursued. I'm done chasing after relationships and trying to make things work out between every frog that comes my way. Since when did initiating become the girls job, anyway?! The man God has for me is out there...and I want to leave it up to God to bring us together in His perfect timing. I'm trusting that God is preparing both of our hearts at this very moment.

Until then, to the man of my dreams...I'm waiting for you.

Slippery Summer Success

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty,
to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

True success is difficult in the summer. In my brief 19 years of existence, I've come to realize that summer opens the door to sleeping in until the day has past, laying around the pool as though it were an occupation, eating too many gallons of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and altogether looking at one's belly button more often than one should, because after all...what else is there to do? Although none of these things are bad... (and believe me, I enjoy sleep, ice cream and a tan just as much as the next girl!) I've wasted one too many summers on myself alone. This summer, I decided, would be different.

Before I left school I made a list of 21 things that I want to accomplish this summer. (Maybe I'll post it later. We'll see...) Those 21 things range from reading good books, spending meaningful time with God and learning how to drive a stick shift! Although none of my "goals" are incredibly groundbreaking, I believe they have the power to transform my thinking. All for the simple reason that they are forcing me to live my life to the fullest, not just watch it drift away by the pool. Pastor Mark just finished a series based off the book "One Month to Live", and it was great! (Props to Mark.) If I only had one month to live (or one summer), would I lay in my bed or would I get out there and do something exciting and even a little dangerous? Would I let my Bible collect dust or would I pursue a more vibrant relationship with Christ? Would I sit by myself and watch a movie or would I reconnect with an old friend over coffee instead?

My summer "To-do" list has motivated me to make this summer truly successful. I would encourage you to find meaningful ways to spend your time this summer. ENJOY RELAXING, of course! But don't waste all your time on yourself. Bless someone else's life while you live yours full tilt!

3 Way Calling

Now that I've been home for a month, the fact that a few of my favorite people are hundreds of miles away is becoming all to real. It is truly amazing to me that I have only known these girls for 8 months, because I feel like they know me inside and out, upside down, on my best days and in the moments when I am approaching unlovable! They've seen it all. We've cried together, laughed hysterically, shared our deepest thoughts and challenged one another to become better. And I miss them terribly!

This week was especially hard for me. Don't get me wrong, I love being home! I'm blessed to be working at the church, spending extra time with my family, re-connecting with old friends and relaxing with a good book. It has just been a little difficult, and I wasn't expecting that, in all honesty. Tonight the three of us were finally able to connect at the same time! We updated each other on the boys in or lives (or lack there of--in my special case!) we talked about our summer jobs, mission trips, upcoming visits to various states, our new room decor, family, and the challenges of being home. Let me just say, it was what I needed. Thanks, God for placing amazing friends in my life, both at home and at school.

So, here's to three way calling! I miss you, Noelle and Lindsey!

Cold Tangerines anyone?

I officially love this book and I recommend it to anyone who wants a quick, refreshing read for the summer! Shauna Niequist writes honestly, with incredible imagery and enthusiasm. She reminds her readers that TODAY is a gift from God, and we should never take the little things in life for granted! Her insightful fascination with everyday events has made me laugh out loud and has also brought tears to my eyes. Check it out! Seriously.

"Today is a gift. And if we have tomorrow, tomorrow will be a gift"